The silent killer within

I have a murderer in side of me, because on a daily basic several times per day it tries to end me.
I’m resisting this thing every day, and it takes me down every time I try to move forward,
It tells me to give up and be free, but I don’t want to.
I want to live a life without this, but it’s so hard. I want to be happy, but unfortunately, I’m not.
Every day is not a blessing as it should be, for me every day is a hell.
I’m in a hell that I can’t get out from, I’m stuck.
I can’t and I won’t give up on my future. I want to be happy and alive to the fullest.

The killer I have within me is called ANXIETY and PANIC ATACKS.

It does not show itself to others how cruel it is and how it treats me and make me feel every day.
No one really knows that I think I’m about to die 100 times per day, to constantly feel worried and sad.
Every day is painful, heartbreaking and lonely, I feel that I don’t exist that I’m the only one in the world.
I’m not alive living and feeling like this, I just want to love and be loved in return.
But for me it feels like I’m the only one that never will feel this.
I can’t understand that, I don’t see myself as a bad person. But still I’m alone.
My heart is full of so much love, but that love I have in my heart and soul is just there.
When I try to give it I never get anything back, just lies and sorrow.
Why am I left outside of all of this, out in the cold lonely cruel world?
I want to hold on to love, but it feels hopeless. But still I’m hoping for something that feels so far away.

The last relationship I had, that was given to me from the devil himself.
But I forgive him, he himself was a tortured soul.

I forgive him for trying to kill me, abuse me is so many ways that I can’t even describe in words.
I also forgive him for threatening to murder my cats, that I would found them dead when I came home.

Today after all this time I still love you, but you never believed me.
You only saw your own demons, you could not se who I really was

I forgive you for breaking me down to pieces every time I tried do go forward.

Love is not hard, love is not difficult. Love is a beautiful thing.
It’s only the humans that makes it hard and difficult

I don’t want to be like everyone else, I am the one that I am, I’m proud of who I am and the one I have become after all this years of pain and suffering.

I will not give up, I know I’m not the problem

To all of you, treat others with love and kindness otherwise all hope will be gone.